Koozman Jail Tales II

"Another lovely week is done and gone, at my quaint, court appointed abode! I hate to say this, but I am actually becoming quite fond of the place. During the Mon-Fri I get in around 6:00PM. I walk around and read a book till 8:00PM and then it’s medication time, AKA “Happy Hour”! I take a couple doctor prescribed Lorasepam, read a little more and I’m out like a light. It is hands down some of the most calm days of my life. No dry heaving in the morning due to my nights drinking ½ gallons of Popov. No shakes, no anxiety. I went in a raging alcoholic and I’m going to come out a pill popping fool!

The weekends however are not the Utopian society that the weekdays are. You don’t get the twelve hours a day out, cigarettes run out by Saturday afternoon and that’s when it gets fun and tempers start to flair! On Saturday I witnessed an attempted suicide, by a pussy who only had five days left, and who probably got put into the psych ward for a month. Then when they think he is healthy enough, the Great Arpaio will make him finish those five days!

They then proceeded to shut the bathroom down for four hours, so FX could shoot that piece of crap sitcom “Sons Of Anarchy”! I’ve never seen it, but apparently it’s about some rogue biker’s riding around and just being un cool! Now personally I have done a lot of damage to my innards that produce piss. And I have to urinate at least once every four hours. I’m pretty sure that there was at least two hundred other people out of the two thousand in the tents that were in the same boat. We had to piss!

The scene consisted of a guy in stripes walking out of the bathroom past the camera. It took over fifty takes to catch this D-Bag walk out of the bathroom. We started applauding every time they would yell cut. The Detention Officer would get on the loud speaker and tell us to “Sit down and Shut up” while they were filming. They would threaten to take our commissary and phones away. There is nothing left in the commissary on Saturday afternoon and the collect calls cost $15. So nobody listened. You could tell the big bad biker actor was getting nervous, so they called it a day!

But hands down, the funniest thing I have ever seen came Sunday. It’s quite hard to explain but I’ll try. There is a lot of gambling going on. Spades, Rummy, Poker, Black Jack, even Mountain Dew bottles filled with rocks that they play lawn darts with.

I heard an explosion of laughter and numbers being yelled at the top of peoples lungs. Obnoxiously loud “Ohhhss” and “AAAWWWS”! I walked to the tent see what the deal was. Everybody was gathered around a bunk that had at least $200 in quarters on it. Up above was the giant fan that is in every tent. The Fans face is sectioned off kind of like a pizza. In Each section of the fan there was a face card. The same face card was on the bunk with the quarters. One blade of the fan was colored completely white. This Chicano guy kept yelling “SPIN TO WIN HOLMES”! “SPIN TO WIN”! Everybody threw quarters down and I still couldn’t grasp what was happening. Then the Chicano turned the fan on full blast which took about twenty seconds. When the fan was going good and fast he simply turned it off! GOD DAMMIT, I WAS WITNESSING FUCKING FAN ROULLETTE!!!! All the noise caught the attention of the guards. To which the one guard, who has been doing this for fifteen years and has seen it all, said “GOD DAMMIT AM I WITNESSING FUCKING FAN ROULLETTE?” The Mexican invited the Officer to play. He pretended he had not seen anything, and walked out of the tent! I witnessed a guy loose about eighty bucks in fifteen minutes. After the laughing hurt so bad I had to leave.

They called meds and I was ready for the work week. That was my weekend.
Thank you"
- Kooz