Thursday, July 22, 2010
Friday, July 16, 2010
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Monday, May 10, 2010
Friday, April 30, 2010
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Koozman Jail Tales II
"Another lovely week is done and gone, at my quaint, court appointed abode! I hate to say this, but I am actually becoming quite fond of the place. During the Mon-Fri I get in around 6:00PM. I walk around and read a book till 8:00PM and then it’s medication time, AKA “Happy Hour”! I take a couple doctor prescribed Lorasepam, read a little more and I’m out like a light. It is hands down some of the most calm days of my life. No dry heaving in the morning due to my nights drinking ½ gallons of Popov. No shakes, no anxiety. I went in a raging alcoholic and I’m going to come out a pill popping fool!
The weekends however are not the Utopian society that the weekdays are. You don’t get the twelve hours a day out, cigarettes run out by Saturday afternoon and that’s when it gets fun and tempers start to flair! On Saturday I witnessed an attempted suicide, by a pussy who only had five days left, and who probably got put into the psych ward for a month. Then when they think he is healthy enough, the Great Arpaio will make him finish those five days!
They then proceeded to shut the bathroom down for four hours, so FX could shoot that piece of crap sitcom “Sons Of Anarchy”! I’ve never seen it, but apparently it’s about some rogue biker’s riding around and just being un cool! Now personally I have done a lot of damage to my innards that produce piss. And I have to urinate at least once every four hours. I’m pretty sure that there was at least two hundred other people out of the two thousand in the tents that were in the same boat. We had to piss!
The scene consisted of a guy in stripes walking out of the bathroom past the camera. It took over fifty takes to catch this D-Bag walk out of the bathroom. We started applauding every time they would yell cut. The Detention Officer would get on the loud speaker and tell us to “Sit down and Shut up” while they were filming. They would threaten to take our commissary and phones away. There is nothing left in the commissary on Saturday afternoon and the collect calls cost $15. So nobody listened. You could tell the big bad biker actor was getting nervous, so they called it a day!
But hands down, the funniest thing I have ever seen came Sunday. It’s quite hard to explain but I’ll try. There is a lot of gambling going on. Spades, Rummy, Poker, Black Jack, even Mountain Dew bottles filled with rocks that they play lawn darts with.
I heard an explosion of laughter and numbers being yelled at the top of peoples lungs. Obnoxiously loud “Ohhhss” and “AAAWWWS”! I walked to the tent see what the deal was. Everybody was gathered around a bunk that had at least $200 in quarters on it. Up above was the giant fan that is in every tent. The Fans face is sectioned off kind of like a pizza. In Each section of the fan there was a face card. The same face card was on the bunk with the quarters. One blade of the fan was colored completely white. This Chicano guy kept yelling “SPIN TO WIN HOLMES”! “SPIN TO WIN”! Everybody threw quarters down and I still couldn’t grasp what was happening. Then the Chicano turned the fan on full blast which took about twenty seconds. When the fan was going good and fast he simply turned it off! GOD DAMMIT, I WAS WITNESSING FUCKING FAN ROULLETTE!!!! All the noise caught the attention of the guards. To which the one guard, who has been doing this for fifteen years and has seen it all, said “GOD DAMMIT AM I WITNESSING FUCKING FAN ROULLETTE?” The Mexican invited the Officer to play. He pretended he had not seen anything, and walked out of the tent! I witnessed a guy loose about eighty bucks in fifteen minutes. After the laughing hurt so bad I had to leave.
They called meds and I was ready for the work week. That was my weekend.
Thank you"
- Kooz
The weekends however are not the Utopian society that the weekdays are. You don’t get the twelve hours a day out, cigarettes run out by Saturday afternoon and that’s when it gets fun and tempers start to flair! On Saturday I witnessed an attempted suicide, by a pussy who only had five days left, and who probably got put into the psych ward for a month. Then when they think he is healthy enough, the Great Arpaio will make him finish those five days!
They then proceeded to shut the bathroom down for four hours, so FX could shoot that piece of crap sitcom “Sons Of Anarchy”! I’ve never seen it, but apparently it’s about some rogue biker’s riding around and just being un cool! Now personally I have done a lot of damage to my innards that produce piss. And I have to urinate at least once every four hours. I’m pretty sure that there was at least two hundred other people out of the two thousand in the tents that were in the same boat. We had to piss!
The scene consisted of a guy in stripes walking out of the bathroom past the camera. It took over fifty takes to catch this D-Bag walk out of the bathroom. We started applauding every time they would yell cut. The Detention Officer would get on the loud speaker and tell us to “Sit down and Shut up” while they were filming. They would threaten to take our commissary and phones away. There is nothing left in the commissary on Saturday afternoon and the collect calls cost $15. So nobody listened. You could tell the big bad biker actor was getting nervous, so they called it a day!
But hands down, the funniest thing I have ever seen came Sunday. It’s quite hard to explain but I’ll try. There is a lot of gambling going on. Spades, Rummy, Poker, Black Jack, even Mountain Dew bottles filled with rocks that they play lawn darts with.
I heard an explosion of laughter and numbers being yelled at the top of peoples lungs. Obnoxiously loud “Ohhhss” and “AAAWWWS”! I walked to the tent see what the deal was. Everybody was gathered around a bunk that had at least $200 in quarters on it. Up above was the giant fan that is in every tent. The Fans face is sectioned off kind of like a pizza. In Each section of the fan there was a face card. The same face card was on the bunk with the quarters. One blade of the fan was colored completely white. This Chicano guy kept yelling “SPIN TO WIN HOLMES”! “SPIN TO WIN”! Everybody threw quarters down and I still couldn’t grasp what was happening. Then the Chicano turned the fan on full blast which took about twenty seconds. When the fan was going good and fast he simply turned it off! GOD DAMMIT, I WAS WITNESSING FUCKING FAN ROULLETTE!!!! All the noise caught the attention of the guards. To which the one guard, who has been doing this for fifteen years and has seen it all, said “GOD DAMMIT AM I WITNESSING FUCKING FAN ROULLETTE?” The Mexican invited the Officer to play. He pretended he had not seen anything, and walked out of the tent! I witnessed a guy loose about eighty bucks in fifteen minutes. After the laughing hurt so bad I had to leave.
They called meds and I was ready for the work week. That was my weekend.
Thank you"
- Kooz
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Koozman Jail Tales
From the Words of the Kooz...
"So when I first got in we had a manditory “Wood” meeting. Or White meeting. I tried to hide my face in a book but they saw me and told me I needed to come. So I said, “I’m not white, I’m Irish”! That excuse did not fly so I went. The “Head Wood” went over the basic rules.
1) Piss in the pisser and shit in the shitter!
The “Head Wood’ went on to explain that he didn’t want to sit in our piss on the toilets!
2) If you have a problem with person of another race, DO NOT, DO NOT, fight with them. You are to take the dispute to the head of your race and they will take it up with the head of that persons race and the situation will be handled.
3) Do not purchase cigarettes or other contraband such as pills from any other race but yours.
4) If you get called a Bitch or a Punk, You are to pop them in the mouth immediately or else you are most likely a Punk or Bitch if you don’t.
5) If you don’t know ask before you do something stupid!
The meeting was adjourned!
So we get into our tent and this group kept playing poker until 12 o’clock at night. Three of them were respectful and quiet, but one of them was loud, obnoxious, and the most unfunny human ever. He didn’t stop talking for three nights. Now I’m the most passive person ever, but I was utterly exhausted from this guy keeping me up. He talked more than my girlfriend on 8-ball of speed and five expresso shots.
Finally, I couldn’t take it. In my nicest tone I pleaded with him to take it from a 7 to a 4 on the volume level. In my best Dave Chapelle white man voice I was like “This is ridiculous. People are trying to sleep and your being disrespectful”!
He replied that “I was the only person that had a problem with it”. He then started banging on metal getting louder. I thought of rule #2 but didn’t want to start this race crap. It was midnight and I figured I would go out for a walk until he fell asleep.
As I was walking, some dude asked why I was out so late and I told him what was going on. I was just venting. The guy asked me what race he was. Then I realized this was the “Wood” who had given the speech. I told him Chicano but that I didn’t want any trouble. He asked me how long I was in for, I replied four months. He asked how long the loud guy was in and I said I thought fifteen days.
He told me to go back to my tent and read my book. He told me the situation would be handled. Once again I told him I didn’t want any trouble. He said there would be none.
Ten minutes later, Three of the baddest Mexican’s I had ever seen walked in. All of them had the tear tattoos on their face. The guy had his back turned. They walked up behind him picked him up in a head lock, covered his mouth, and drug him out of the tent kicking and trying to scream. They disappeared for five minutes.
The dude came back in five minutes later unharmed. I do not know what was said or done but I have not heard him say one single word in thirteen days! It’s like they ripped his voice box out. He won’t even look in my direction. He lays in his bunk and stares at the ceiling. It was hands down the most dominating flex of power I have ever seen. I bought everybody involved honeybuns and thanked them. I showed them all my stupid tattoos and they told me I could be an honorary Irish Chicano. They told me if he did anything else to promptly notify them and they wouldn’t be so nice next time.
I now sleep like 210 lb fat angel every night! "
Koozman
"So when I first got in we had a manditory “Wood” meeting. Or White meeting. I tried to hide my face in a book but they saw me and told me I needed to come. So I said, “I’m not white, I’m Irish”! That excuse did not fly so I went. The “Head Wood” went over the basic rules.
1) Piss in the pisser and shit in the shitter!
The “Head Wood’ went on to explain that he didn’t want to sit in our piss on the toilets!
2) If you have a problem with person of another race, DO NOT, DO NOT, fight with them. You are to take the dispute to the head of your race and they will take it up with the head of that persons race and the situation will be handled.
3) Do not purchase cigarettes or other contraband such as pills from any other race but yours.
4) If you get called a Bitch or a Punk, You are to pop them in the mouth immediately or else you are most likely a Punk or Bitch if you don’t.
5) If you don’t know ask before you do something stupid!
The meeting was adjourned!
So we get into our tent and this group kept playing poker until 12 o’clock at night. Three of them were respectful and quiet, but one of them was loud, obnoxious, and the most unfunny human ever. He didn’t stop talking for three nights. Now I’m the most passive person ever, but I was utterly exhausted from this guy keeping me up. He talked more than my girlfriend on 8-ball of speed and five expresso shots.
Finally, I couldn’t take it. In my nicest tone I pleaded with him to take it from a 7 to a 4 on the volume level. In my best Dave Chapelle white man voice I was like “This is ridiculous. People are trying to sleep and your being disrespectful”!
He replied that “I was the only person that had a problem with it”. He then started banging on metal getting louder. I thought of rule #2 but didn’t want to start this race crap. It was midnight and I figured I would go out for a walk until he fell asleep.
As I was walking, some dude asked why I was out so late and I told him what was going on. I was just venting. The guy asked me what race he was. Then I realized this was the “Wood” who had given the speech. I told him Chicano but that I didn’t want any trouble. He asked me how long I was in for, I replied four months. He asked how long the loud guy was in and I said I thought fifteen days.
He told me to go back to my tent and read my book. He told me the situation would be handled. Once again I told him I didn’t want any trouble. He said there would be none.
Ten minutes later, Three of the baddest Mexican’s I had ever seen walked in. All of them had the tear tattoos on their face. The guy had his back turned. They walked up behind him picked him up in a head lock, covered his mouth, and drug him out of the tent kicking and trying to scream. They disappeared for five minutes.
The dude came back in five minutes later unharmed. I do not know what was said or done but I have not heard him say one single word in thirteen days! It’s like they ripped his voice box out. He won’t even look in my direction. He lays in his bunk and stares at the ceiling. It was hands down the most dominating flex of power I have ever seen. I bought everybody involved honeybuns and thanked them. I showed them all my stupid tattoos and they told me I could be an honorary Irish Chicano. They told me if he did anything else to promptly notify them and they wouldn’t be so nice next time.
I now sleep like 210 lb fat angel every night! "
Koozman
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Friday, March 5, 2010
Friday, February 12, 2010
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